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28.11.07

Betty’s husband has a hung schlong…

*schlong - A penis which is a fairly good length. As opposed to a schlort, or a schledium.

Betty’s husband has a huge schlong…okay, so who is Betty and why do I need to know this? While I am sure that Betty is no doubt thrilled with the huge schlong in her life, is it something she needs to email complete strangers about? I am happy for this woman but it’s too much information. So back off Betty. Quit emailing me.

Of late I have been getting a lot of emails about penis enlargement. I don’t have a penis. I checked. One visits but it’s just fine. So is it just me that is being inundated with emails extolling the need to have a ‘mountainous member’ or a ‘cock that would stop traffic?” And why exactly would a man be exposing himself in traffic anyway? Is it pride at the size of it or is he drunk? Probably both. So what’s with the influx of emails?

Take your chance and enjoy a bigger cock”

“A real man should have a real cock.”

“You’ll surprised with your bigger cock.”

“Tremendous cock for Iris.”

I think the theme here is either someone wants me to get a rooster or they want me to worry about an issue which to me is a non-issue.

I also get organ emails…

“Get an outsized erectile organ.”

“A magnificent organ could be yours.”

Is that a piano or a harpsichord do you think? I am not sure I have space in the house for it. I can’t play the piano anyway. I supposed I could take up lessons.

Whatever the reason, my email has doubled and clearly this is a big issue. I am getting offered lotions for strengthening, meditation for enlargement, pills for “guaranteed volume” and weird ring things that promise to lengthen a penis in a matter of weeks. Seriously? Who believes this crap?

And what is this need to have tight penile tissue? To be honest I have never really thought about the need to lessen wrinkles and slack skin on a penis. I mean it’s not like it’s your face or neck. Not everyone is going to or wants to see whether a penis is wrinkled or smooth. Can you imagine the television commercial for it? It would be a cross between the L’Oreal “Because you’re worth it” advert and Foster’s lager ad – sensitive yet blokey.

I also get a lot of emails about Viagra. One bit of trivia for you, I have noticed with these emails that Viagra escalates alarming in price as it comes to the weekend. The pills can range from $29.95 on a Monday to $69.95 on a Friday. Logic would suggest you buy them on a Monday and hold out for the weekend to use them. Or here’s a thought, go to a registered doctor instead an email pill pusher.

A study by Lifestyles Condom Co. shows that the average length of a male sex organ is 5.877 inches — which might comfort men who previously thought they were less than average.

"The Kinsey Sex Report and other penis size surveys have indicated that the length of the penis is 6.2 to 6.4 inches," says Simon Joseph, a spokesman for Lifestyles. "Our results show that about three-quarters of men fall under the average quoted by Kinsey."

"A half-inch or less might not have anything to do with how you perform sexually, but it might make a difference in how you feel about yourself."

According to the survey, about two-thirds of the 300 college-aged men ranged from between 5.1 and 6.2 inches.

For those of you who don't like to deal in raw numbers, at 5.877 inches, the average penis is about the size of a Nestle Butterfinger candy bar (unwrapped) or a grande (medium) cup of coffee at Starbucks (with the sip lid). Most men vary in size between a Twix bar and a Peter Paul Mounds (with the wrapper extended).

So there you go. If in doubt, a man can measure himself against a Starbucks coffee (maybe not when you are actually there) or Twix bar. I think is a comforting yet practical way to go. Worried about the size of your man? Whip out a Twix bar.
You can eat it later…er, the chocolate bar that is.

I know what you’re thinking. Amarinda has penis envy. The desire for power, independence and liberation from the perceived sexual stereotypes enforced on women. Nup, I don’t have penis envy. Why? Because I am already strong and independent and none of my current clothes would fit if I had a penis down there anyway. Not to mention that would look weird and no woman is going to wear something that looks so odd. Well it does.

So who actually responds to these emails anyway? Sure there are a lot of insecure people out there who think Betty is actually a real person who wants to help them and that’s sad. Why are we so caught up in appearances or perceptions? Are we that damn superficial? Are you really going to love someone less because of length? Is a man any less of a man because of a perception, a stereotype? Of course not. You love someone for who they are and what they bring into your life no matter what the size. Yes, yes, I know all about the catch-cry of bigger being better but I also believe in that quality will always outlast quantity and the man is more important than the size. Yep, I’m old fashioned. A great, sensual and thoughtful lover beats a huge schlong and no sensuality everyday. What do you think?

Amarinda Jones
Amarinda Jones

Latest release from Amarinda Jones - now available at Total-e-Bound

Book two in the Goddess Grind Series

Zipporah Scott is due to spend the weekend camping with her niece. Zipporah hates camping. The only thing that could make it worse is the gorgeous guy who has been following her. He is a ghost. So he says. And apparently she is the only one that can help him. Uh huh. Why is it that the sexiest men are always the craziest? And how can one cranky working goddess change fate?

Rian Carmichael is a man that is trapped between worlds. Only Zipporah can see him. What he sees of Zipporah he instantly likes. That he is a ghost does not bother her. That he craves the taste of her does. Rian needs to convince her that only by her love can he live again. However the lady herself is not so sure and it’s going to take a lot of hot persuasion to make her think otherwise.

Despite the uncertainty of their situation, Zipporah wants to believe that she can have a future with Rian. The touch and taste of him is real enough but can he break through the barrier between worlds and be with her forever or are they doomed to be parted?

hot, hot excerpt!

Zipporah gulped. She knew she should be horrified that this complete stranger was coming on to her in such a way but she wasn’t. She was horny as hell. She could not think of anything but the hot, hard, male body against hers.

“I’m special?” Or maybe I’m just desperate and nuts. She was turned on by a ghost for God sake.

“Yeah you are,” Rian said as his hands slid to her waist and pulled her close. “I want to kiss you.”

Oh boy. Those lips against mine? Yes, please. Rationality and sanity are overrated anyway.

“Can a ghost do that?” As freaked out as Zipporah was, she wanted to taste that mouth.

“Can you feel me?” Rian whispered a breath away from her mouth.

“Yeah but…” Zipporah licked her lips in open invitation.

“What?’”

“I don’t know…” And before she could say another word his mouth was on hers and nothing else mattered. Ghost or not, this kiss was the softest, sweetest and most earth shattering she had ever tasted. Zipporah opened her mouth willingly under his as her hands slid up his chest to rest on Rian’s broad shoulders. “Oh Rian…” she gasped breathlessly as his mouth left hers. This was as wrong as it was right and for the life of her she knew she should run away screaming but she did not want to.

“I know baby, I feel it too.” Rian’s hands slid down to cup the cheeks of her arse.

The feel of his hard cock against her was only too obvious. This was no ghost…but then what was he? This was a man only she could see. A man that a car had driven through. Was any of this real? As Rian’s hands pulled her skirt up and touched the flesh beneath, Zipporah’s knees wobbled and she knew this was very real.

“I, ah, don’t think we should do this.” That sounded half-arsed to Zipporah’s own ears. She was wet and ready after one kiss.

“Baby, I have a feeling neither of us can stop this.” Rian’s hand slid in and under the front of her knickers. His eyes locked with hers. “You are so beautifully wet.”

Zipporah whimpered as his fingers slid up the cleft of her pussy and found her clit.

“Someone will see us…I mean …” What am I doing contemplating sex with a stranger? Zipporah felt hot just thinking about the fantasy of it. But it was everything girls were warned not to do. However she was a woman and therein lay the difference. She had the life experience to make dumb mistakes on her own. “Fuck I don’t know what I mean.” This was sweet madness.

“Do you want me, baby?” Rian’s voice was low and husky.

“Well…uh, yeah…” If it was indeed true that no one could see him and the evidence certainly pointed that way, how crazy would it look with her thrashing in passion against a wall all by herself? Though at that moment, truth to tell, Zipporah did not particularly care as his fingers massaged her clit slowly and with the intent to thrill and satisfy. Did she go for the orgasm or worry about how people perceived her? Didn’t a working goddess deserve a moment or two of pleasure? It had been so long since any man had made her feel so hot and needy. With those fingers working their magic there was only one logical answer—orgasm.

“There is only you and me and no one else matters.” Rian kept one hand on her arse and the other inside her knickers. “Undo your blouse.”

The low, husky way he said it sent a thrill through her body. A stranger, and certainly one stranger than most, was asking her to give herself to him and the only response she had was to reach down and hurriedly pull at the buttons. Did she care if someone saw? No. It actually excited her, ghost or no ghost. Time to be a bad girl.

Rian dropped his head down and licked the exposed cleavage.

“Unsnap your bra. I need to taste you.”

Oh how she wanted to be tasted. The feel of his tongue on her flesh and his fingers on her clit was enough incentive to make her want to rip all her clothes off. She reached behind and undid her bra, pushing the fabric of her blouse from her full breasts.

“You are beautiful,” Rian murmured just before he licked one pink nipple.

“Oh…” Zipporah moaned as the lick became a hard, possessive suck and she clasped his head to her breast. She did not care what he was, only that he was Rian and she wanted him. Between the sucking and the massage of her clit she wanted to come then and there but she needed the hot, hard fullness of a cock inside her to make it perfect. “I need you now.”

“Baby, you can have me.” Rian quickly pulled her knickers down and reached for his zipper.

Zipporah kicked the knickers away to free her ankles. She wanted to wrap herself around this man and feel every inch of his body against hers. She looked down as his large, hard cock jumped free of his trousers. Oh this man is so not dead. Zipporah licked her lips and looked into his eyes.

“I will look after you,” he murmured in promise against her lips as he slid his hands under her arse and lifted her up against the wall.

Thoughts of her white shirt getting dirty against the bricks or someone seeing her with her skirt up around her waist all disappeared as Rian eased his cock slowly inside her body.

Zipporah sucked in her breath at the full, stretched, hot feeling of his shaft as it plunged into her. She grabbed on tight to him not wanting him to leave her for a second. From stranger to lover in one brief glorious moment. He held her still as they grew accustomed to the feel of each other.

12 comments:

Sassy Brit said...

Very funny post, and a great excerpt too.

I get a lot of those 'Not happy with your penis size?' spam emails. It makes me wonder what they have to do all day. Pop round here and I'll give them something to keep their hands busy!

Is it worth their effort? No one I know ever takes their spam seriously - but then, would they tell me...

Sassy :)
Alternative-Read.com

Dakota Rebel said...

Well now you've done it. Just when I thought we had moved past the thought that we may be related, here you go again. Perhaps we are. And perhaps the society for bigger penises is already aware of it, so they have tag teamed us. I too get these emails. Constantly. And I have six email addresses (personal and work and writing [Oh my]) so I get even more than the normal person. *sigh
Great post as usual darling.

Your long lost cousin-
Dakota

Anny Cook said...

You're on target as usual! Loved it!

Cindy Spencer Pape said...

My favorite email regular is Mega-Dik. All I can think of is, "Ouch!" and "Why on Earth would I want one of those?"

The excerpt was stupendous. Now there's a ghost who clearly doesn't need email adverts.

Amarinda Jones said...

thanks everyone....just glad to know I am not the only one who gets these 'appendage' emails

Lacey Thorn said...

Loved it! You hit it just right as always. It amazes me the number of adverts you can get in one day all about increasing penis size or virility. Especially since I don't have one! LOL While your blog was funny and witty it was also filled with ageless wisdom and clear facts. You do us all proud.

Lacey Thorn
It's your world...unlaced
www.lacythorn.com

Lisabet Sarai said...

You've certainly done a detailed content analysis of these spam-mails, Amarinda. One might say that you have way too much time on your hands!

Seriously, though, I agree with you 100%. I imagine that if you asked most women, they'd said that the size does not in fact matter.

But here's a question. It does seem as though a lot of erotic romance does wax poetic about the size of the hero's equipment. Are we partly to blame for perpetuating this myth?

Amarinda Jones said...

Maybe we are, maybe not. Personally I tend to believe that readers are smart enough to realize that romance books are fantasy - an escape - a 'what if' moment, a sigh and a giggle. I think as women we fall in love with the soul of the man and not just the body. You have to like someone to love them regardless of the size of his penis.

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