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Love or Death?

Now that my first novella, “Conquest of a Fairy” has been out a few weeks and a few people have asked me about it, I’m noticing the reaction of both strangers and friends. As a teacher employed in a fairly conservative school district, I knew that I could never publish under my real name, so I came up with the pseudonym of Marie Haynes – my middle name and my biological name ( At the age of 12 days, I was adopted by two wonderful people). My husband and sons are proud of the fact that I’m now a published author, not all of the family feels the same way. When I tell some people what I write the response ranges between interest, embarrassment and horrified wonder with a “do the kids know?” addendum. When I have shared my happy news with some professional colleagues, I also get a mixed response. One woman showed enthusiasm and stated that erotic literature has been dominated by too many men and that it is high time women enter that genre’. One man, though, a man I highly respect, seemed quite perplexed. He hesitantly asked, “What possessed you to write pornography?” (No, I’m not going to bring up that thread again regarding the difference between pornography and the erotic.) My husband, God love him, responded for me and said simply, “Plot.”

For a while now, I’ve tried to analyze why all of this bothers me. I think I’ve figured it out. If portrayed correctly, sex – even rough sex – represents an act of love. When we engage in sex we seek personal fulfillment, but most people also seek the fulfillment of his or her partner. At its best, sex is truly making love – a physical manifestation of love. Why then, are so many people embarrassed or even offended by any reference to this act? Even today, many people will not openly discuss sex in mixed company.

Carrying this idea further, many of these same people don’t blink an eye at reading a murder mystery. I once had a professor in college who wouldn’t dream of “wasting her time” reading a romance novel, but would spend hours pouring over vicious, blood thirsty murder mysteries. My own husband enjoys watching a series which portrays a serial killer as a good guy, but will leave the room, tease, or roll his eyes if I watch a “happy ending” movie. Maybe I’m just biased (a close family member of mine was viciously murdered in 1988) but I find such glorification of violence and sensationalizing of terror, grief and despair far more offensive than a reference to an orgasm. To be fair, I should mention that so far I’ve written for the BDSM genre’. However, BDSM isn’t about violence. In truth, the submissive holds the power. Okay, he or she is the one tied up and spanked, but the sub also holds the safe word, and by the utterance of that one word, can end any encounter. Further, a true Dominant holds his submissive in high esteem. He or she cares for and respects the submissive at the least and loves him or her at the best. Following this course, there are no victims in BDSM, only willing participants fulfilling unique and individual needs.

Speaking of needs, if one looks at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (I probably should use a citation here, but this was drilled into my head so much when I was in education classes, that I know it by heart!) the need for love ranks third for humans to feel fulfilled. Only the needs for basic physiological necessities (food, shelter, etc) and safety outrank the need for love and affection. The need for violence? I’m just not aware of that one in any psychological school of thought.

There’s also a new phenomena/trend which I’ve heard of, but is now beginning to affect me personally. MILF. That’s right – Mom’s I’d Like to Fuck. (There’s also a GILF which freaked me out for a while, but then I read somewhere that the average age for a new grandmother in America is 46. This made me feel much better!) Since I started a My Space page (, I’ve had quite a number of college aged guys refer to me as a MILF. While I am certainly flattered, quite honestly, I am also confused. I’ve never gone in for false modesty, so let me say right here and now: I’m not beautiful, but I’m also not hideous. I’ve always considered myself fairly average in the looks department. At the age of 44, though, I have no desire to compete for someone half my age. I’m perfectly happy with who I am and how I look. So why are 26 year old men attracted to me? Maybe because, and this is just a theory, their need for love and affection is simply not being met. Consciously or subconsciously, maybe they equate fucking an experienced (I prefer this term to “older”) woman to finding comfort and acceptance, needs which our society sometimes denigrates. Maybe they’re tired of the hatred, violence and competition to which they are constantly exposed and are supposed to enjoy. What they REALLY want is some good old fashioned Romance and Love – a little music, candle light, slow dancing and a long night of passion.

So, after all of this babbling what’s my point? Actually, I’m not sure I have a point, just an observation. But here’s something to think about. In our society, roughly one in every seven women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime – one in 12 more than once. (Please note that assault is NOT sex. Rapists are interested in power, not sexual fulfillment.) The crime rate is rising. The divorce rate is rising. More and more teens are engaging in self destructive behavior. Yet, as a society, we still seek out the violent, depraved side of life. Maybe it’s time to glorify understanding, love – physical and emotional, acceptance and kindness. Just an idea.

Marie Haynes


Kaz Augustin said...

Ah, Marie, you had me hooked when you mentioned Maslow. His model is so simple and yet continues to be so robust.

Great blog. And I agree about the mid-twenties guys. I wonder at the aggression that's bred into our young males from such an early age. Though I'm sure that doesn't cater for 100% of the population that think you're a MILF. Right? ;)

Kaz Augustin said...

Beautiful cover, btw. Congratulations. Meant to say that before.

Anonymous said...

Very interesting Blog Marie.

About the whole MILF situation. Congrats by the way ;) I just wonder if the guy's are looking for women who have a bit more respect for themselves. I think the younger girls are so blase about their bodies and willing to share it with all and sundry so that there is no 'chase' in it for the guy's. Been there, done that kind of mentality.

Basically if it comes to choosing the item on the floor; the one that everyone's poked and prodded, OR the one in the storeroom that's still tucked up nicely in it's box. Which would you choose?

Not saying that MILF's lurk in dark, musty storerooms or anything LOL!

Anyway, no doubt that only makes sense to me LOL but that's my very broad view on the situation.

Ashley Ladd said...

I've never heard of MILF before. Do the men just post it on your My Space page? In your blog?

I've seen your picture and you're quite stunning.

The first part of your blog post today is a lot like my article for the TEB newsletter for February and March. GMTA

Anonymous said...

Ashley, I've been trying to e-mail you the questions, but it isn't going through - says your e-mail box is filled. Help???? And thank you, very much, for the stunning comment. I truly appreciate it.

Ashley Ladd said...

Marie, I got your questions back and they're posted on my blog. Unfortunately, I can't be on email at the day job and sometimes my aol box closes before I can get off work. Oy!

Brynn Paulin said...

Marie, this is a phenominal post. Thanks!!!