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Coming Out Of The Closet

As I promised my loyal bloggers over at my blog, I'm coming out of the closet today. Yep, moi.

I hope I don't disappoint anyone, but I'm not going to reveal I'm lesbian nor even bi-sexual. I'm very straight. Twenty-eight years married, five children straight.

But I'm going to admit to something I've admitted to very few people and thought I'd never admit.

When I was 17, I was deeply, incurably in love with the most handsome man in the world - picture Johnny Depp, Rob Lowe, and Robert Downey, Jr. all rolled into one. Yeah, he was hot and I was head over heels.

And then he asked me to marry him. Of course, I was flying into the stratosphere and I said YES!!!

I was in heaven for a couple of months and then it happened. He took me to a party, a party where I was the only woman. Being 17, I felt weird, but nothing else really dawned on me...not until my fiance walked over and kissed another man. He didn't merely kiss him, he deep-tongued him. And then he introduced me to his "male lover".

I was in complete, total shock.

No, I didn't immediately break up with him. Perhaps I should have. Perhaps I should have married him.

Instead, I was conflicted. He tried to convince me that most men were gay, that he wasn't cheating on me by being with another man because he wasn't with another woman.

After a few days, I couldn't take it. Heartbroken, I broke up with him. Worse, I spent the next several years wondering if every man I saw was gay. I suspected they were. I became insecure in my appeal to men.

Fast-forward twenty-something years. I was writing romantica for Ellora's Cave and I signed onto write an MMF for the And Lady Makes Three anthology. Silly me, I thought MMF meant that one lucky woman got to have sex and romance with two men. Hey, I really could get into having Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom loving on me. I didn't realize that the two men would not only have to have sex together, but that their relationship was the focus of the story and the female was secondary. But I managed to write it and it helped me chisel away at my long-standing insecurities.

Also, about that same time, I made a new friend at work. Yes, you've guessed it. He's gay. He's a wonderful man, totally different than my ex-fiance. So is his partner. I finally realized love is love and gender doesn't matter.

So then, I wrote another MMF, "The Perfect Gift" which is now published by Total-e-Bound. I wrote some of my own feelings into this one, giving away a little more of me, but not all. Again, it was cathartic and I was healed a bit more.

I think I'll have to keep writing MMFs and MMs because love comes in all forms, all ages, and to quote John Lennon "All You Need Is Love".

Here's an excerpt from "The Perfect Gift", my second published MMF.

Whistling, a merry bounce to his step, Ty ducked snowflakes and the neighbour kids’ snowballs as he made a dash to the house after some last minute Christmas shopping. He loved Christmas and this year was the most special yet for it was his first living with Bianca. She’d made their apartment into a cosy home, brimming with Christmas magic, overflowing with love. He didn’t know what he’d ever done to deserve her, but he sure was grateful. He counted his blessings daily.

He was excited about his special gift for her—a diamond ring and first class tickets for Bianca’s dream trip—their honeymoon trip to Hawaii. Now she’d not only go to paradise, but honeymoon there—with him.

Shaking with the excitement, he couldn’t wait to see her expression. The scent of candy canes blended with a trace of wax told him she was burning more Christmas candles. Blinking lights glistened off every reflective surface.

Juggling packages that towered over his head, Ty managed to navigate to the twinkling tree in the corner of the living room and set down his presents without breaking anything. Picking out the ring, he put it in his pocket. He wanted to keep it close.

The scent of roasted turkey filled the small apartment with homey, delicious smells. Looking first right and then left to make sure Bianca wouldn’t catch him in the act, he peeked under the foil covering as the turkey sat on top of the stove, done and ready to be enjoyed. His mouth watering, he stole a bite.

Everything seemed to be in place, except his lady. She wouldn’t leave with supper ready on the stove, would she? “Bianca? Are you home? Where are you, sweetheart?”

Only the whir of the heater broke the silence.
Worried she’d fallen asleep in the tub again, he checked the bathroom. Luckily, he found it empty, and he breathed a deep sigh of relief.

“Okay, are you waiting for me in the bedroom?” With a very special Christmas gift? Maybe she awaited him naked, wearing only a large bow around her waist like last year. His cock flexed and his blood surged.
Excited as a little boy getting a shiny new bike, he rubbed his hands together and opened the door wide.

There was a naked body curled sexily on a brand new red and green satin bedspread, wrapped in a big red velvet bow only it wasn’t Bianca. It wasn’t even female!


“Merry Christmas,” Brendan, the hottie from Bianca’s office, drawled huskily.
Brendan laughed throatily and rolled his eyes. “No silly. I’m her Christmas gift to you.” He pointed at the bow, just above his huge cock that was swiftly showing signs of life. “Don’t you see the bow?”

Dumbfounded, Ty’s gaze glued to the man’s beautiful cock, and his mouth went dry. “You’re my Christmas gift from Bianca?” he echoed. A million thoughts crashed into one another. Had he said or done something to make her suspect his sexuality, his feelings? Had she found his stash of male porn? Was this her way of saying goodbye? Was she going out of his life in style? Just what in the hell was going on?

He felt so guilty he couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t bear to lose her. Barely able to breathe, he whispered, “Why?” in a ragged voice.

Brendan rose and sashayed over to him. “She loves you, man, so much she’s giving you this incredible choice. She wants you to be happy. She’s quite a woman. If I ever decide to get married, I want one just like her.”

Ty didn’t like the sound of that, as if Brendan had designs on his woman. And yet, he understood where the guy was coming from. Shoving his hair behind his ears, he squinted at his so-called present. Feeling like two souls warring in one body, he wanted to deck the guy for getting near his woman, while he also wanted to throw out his inhibitions and ravish and be ravished by him.

Here's an excerpt from "Pirate's Booty" from the "And Lady Makes Three" anthology, my first MMF.

An Excerpt From: PIRATE’S BOOTY

Keir’s warm breath tickled her neck. “Something troubling you, Princess?”

Her hand grasped her throat in shocked alarm.

“I have a name. Would it hurt you so terribly to use it?” She exhaled slowly as she turned to find him barely kissing distance away. Lifting her lashes slowly, she gazed up at him. Not as tall as his colleague, he was the perfect height, his nose level with the top of her head. His lips rested at her eye-level and from this distance, they looked ideal, too. Usually, she couldn’t see them for his full beard, but at this distance, she could see them very clearly.

Melena.” Keir caressed her name as no other had before him. It rolled off his tongue like the richest Synkethian milk chocolate.

Mesmerized by his dark, sultry voice, a minute gasp escaped her lips. Quivers of lust racked her, and a strange twinge resounded between her legs. It might not hurt him terribly to use her given name, but apparently it made her ache. But it was too late to take it back now.

Realizing she stared as if he were her last supper, she cursed silently and forced herself to act nonchalant. She was chained by a thousand different prisons and had no right to quiver at his nearness or devour his lips with her gaze. Too late to act as if everything was sunny when she probably looked as if she were about to go nova so she confessed to the partial truth. At least, he wouldn’t hear a lie in her voice. “What if we’re never rescued?”

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she swept her gaze wide in an all-encompassing arc around the glade where they’d moved their camp. Lifting her chin high, she tried to sound confident, but her voice emerged strangled. “What if we spend the rest of our days on this planet, completely alone, except for the three of us?”

Keir raised his hand as if to stroke away the stray wisps of hair from her heated face, but it hovered mid-air and then dropped limply to his side. “We have to be optimistic. We can’t give up hope.”

If it were only the two of them, she and Keir, it could be paradise. But three? She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. Someone would be the odd man out and that spelled trouble.

Uncomfortably hot, bored, and frustrated, she glared. “Why? Shouldn’t they have found us by now if they were searching? My people must think me dead from the explosion. They may not have launched any missions of rescue.”

Keir slid a finger under her chin and forced her to look him square in the eye. His were deep, murky pools that she could happily drown in. “Because we’ll go crazy if we give up. Because you’re much stronger than that. We’re not just going to lie down and die…”


CrazyCath said...

Great stuff Ashley. Brave too. Thanks for sharing - it's great to see where artists (of whatever genre) get their ideas. A doubt your alone with "my own thoughts and experiences"!

Amarinda Jones said...

Well hell, that would have shocked you at 17...jeeze

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for sharing Ashley! Although, I must say that I was honestly thinking the worse when you mentioned that you were taken to an 'all male' party at 17.

I guess at 17, your fiance kissing his gay lover possibly was the worst thing ever. Anyway, I've no doubt your a stronger person for the experience. And good on you for facing your insecurities!

Ashley Ladd said...

I guess that party and experience wasn't as bad as I thought at the time, but it put me in a tail spin that lasted a long while. I never thought then, that I'd be writing this stuff.

Lisabet Sarai said...

Isn't it amazing how we take all our personal challenges, traumas, fears and passions, and weave them into our art? I think that this is the key to convincing, involving writing - the emotional connection that you still have to the subject.

Thanks for sharing.

Ashlyn Chase said...

I wound up at one of those parties. It was the weirdest feeling! Only I went with a female friend and everyone thought we were a couple! LOL. We split up and I actually found a great guy there. He thought I might be the one who could 'turn him around.' I was just flattered enough to try! We dated, had a blast, and then he left me to go to New York and back to the Gay scene--in the early 1980's. I've often wondered about him. I hope my dear friend is still alive.

Bronwyn's Blog said...

I agree totally with the sentiment, "love is love."

I really enjoyed The Perfect Gift and Pirate's Booty sounds intriguing!

Ashley Ladd said...

I wonder, too, whatever happened to my ex. I've lost touch with everyone from high school that knew him. For many years, I admit, I didn't care. Not that I wish ill for him, but I'm merely mildly curious now.