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27.10.08

The Kinky Code

The internet has truly transformed the options for those who want to get kinky. If you’re definitely into something that strays a little outside the mainstream or just curious to why some people like leather so much, sooner or later, you’re probably going to end up on the internet looking for the latest toy, a new story to read or just a bit more information.

But as soon as you hit a kinky website or message board regardless of if you’re there
OOC – Out of curiosity - or if you’ve BTDT – Been there, done that – all before, at some point you’re likely to stumble on a few abbreviations that don’t make a damn bit of sense ro you.

Since I don’t have any excerpts to share with you this month, I thought I’d post a mini beginners guide to the kinky code. So here goes.

A brief introduction to
WISTWD – What it is that we do. (With a few things thrown in from the romance genre, because in my mind kink and romance have always gone in hand in hand.)

I’d like to start off by saying there is no
OTW – One true way. Be very suspicious of anyone who tells you that real submissives or real dominants all do X. Real submissives and real dominants are first and foremost real people. Everyone does things they way that rocks their particular boat.

There’s a saying – For some people 20 lashes is a terrible punishment, for others it’s just the start of a good night. Anyone with any sense will tell you that -
YMMV – Your mileage may vary. What one person loves bores another to tears. Not everyone gets the same thing out of the same experience. Sometimes you just have to admit that YKISMK – Your kink is not my kink or more politely YKIOK,IJNMK – Your kink is okay, it’s just not my kink.

Let's start with a few basics I think everyone knows:

BDSM - The big catch all acronym – Bondage and discipline, Dominance and submission, Sadism and masochism. The only problem with it is, it doesn’t really tell you much. If you buy a book that says it contains BDSM, you could end up reading just about anything.

Breaking it down, you have
B&D or BD – Bondage and Discipline. If it’s being tied up or spanked that rocks your boat, this might be where you’re interests lie in the kinky world. To my mind, it’s the external end of the kinky spectrum. It’s all about what happens to your body.

D/s or DS – Dominance and submission – on the other hand, is what I think of as the mental aspect of the lifestyle. It’s more about the way the people think. That’s not to say there isn’t quite a bit of other kink associated with it, but what a lot of people don’t realise is that there doesn’t have to be. It’s just about the way a dominant personality and a submissive personality interact, even if they don't own a single piece of leather.

S&M – Sadism and Masochism - This one is something that doesn’t really fit with the internal / external kink idea. It’s about pain on the outside that morphs into pleasure on the inside. And again, it might involve D/s or bondage, but it doesn’t have to. A submissive isn’t necessarily a masochist, a masochist isn’t necessarily a submissive. Just because one person likes being tied up doesn’t mean they like to be whipped and vice versa.

That moves us on to the most important bit:

The one thing I think everyone should avoid is anything
NC – Non-consensual. There are two acronyms that are all about this. If you’re playing you should be either following one or the other of these philosophies - RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink or SSC – Safe Sane and Consensual. They pretty much mean the same thing – don’t hurt anyone unless they want you to.

One of the big differences you’ll come across if you’re reading about kinky relationships is time scales:

24/7 or 24/7/365 – It’s used in the vanilla world as well, but in kinky conversation it’s usually specifically taken to mean that the kinky aspects of a relationship don’t stay in the bedroom. The people might be in question are in a APE – Absolute Power Exchange or a TPE – Total Power Exchange or they might not, but in some way their kinks effect every moment of every day.

This can involve
CIS – Complete and Irrevocable submission – where the submissive in the relationship says that this is it, they are making a lifetime commitment to the lifestyle, and often to one particular dominant. This type of relationship is sometimes referred to as M/s – Master/slave.

At the other end of the scale is an
EPE – Erotic power exchange. It’s not a lifestyle, but it is a very enjoyable way to arrange your sex life. As well as the kink, you’ll hear people in this sort of relationship talking about their R/L or RL – their real life, where they may have a completely different personality, different limits and a completely different relationship with their partner.

And then there are the more specific aspects of different relationships.

Many people enjoy
EC – Enforced Chastity, complete with a CB – Chastity belt. (Not to be confused with the slightly longer acronym CBT, which is cock and ball torture. Good typing is very important with acronyms!) Every person wearing a chastity belt needs a KH – Key holder. As you can probably guess, it’s the submissive who usually ends up with the belt and the dominant who ends up with the key – and complete control over their partners sexuality.

A lot of people also enjoy
CP – Corporal Punishment. Of course, just because it’s called a punishment, doesn’t mean it can’t be used for play as well. The person OTK – Over the knee – might well be enjoying every movement of it.

It’s quite possible in that case that the person in question is a
SAM – a Smart Arsed Masochist. A submissive who breaks their dominant’s rules just for the joy of being punished for it.

A lot of people would consider this to be
TFTB – Topping from the bottom – a submissive who tries to manipulate the scene to get they want rather than really giving control over to the dominant. And a good dominant might decide that a good hard spanking is a privilege the masochist has to earn in the future.

Of course, not all dominants are great dominants. And even the best can be struck down with
TD – Top’s disease. You know that saying that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely? Well, a dominant who has complete power over another human being sometimes forgets that they are human to. Top’s disease is a belief that they are all power, always right or don't have to remember how much you love the submissive under your care

Then there are a whole series of abbreviations about just who is what in the relationship. There are
FLR – Female led relationships. And there are other relationships where the dominant is an old fashioned HOH – Head of the household and the submissives in the house are TIH – Taken in hand.

On a similar theme, you’ll find a lot of erotic romance books marked with some combination of
m/m or m/f or f/f or any combination there of. Most readers now know that the m and f are male and females and they tell you what combinations of sexes will be meeting up for some fun during the course of the book. But, perhaps fewer people are aware that in the kinky way of abbreviations, a capital is a dominant and a lower case letter is a submissive. So an M/f book is likely to turn out very differently to a F/m book.

I think that’s all the major bases covered. If you didn’t know before, you do now, and next time you are on the net and talking to someone who is
U&A(&LI) Used and Abused (and Loving It) I hope you find one or two of the abbreviations useful.

A final point, it’s always good to remember that kinky doesn’t necessarily mean short term. Kinky people can want to find someone to live
HEA - Happily ever after - with as much as everyone else. There are a lot of people who like leather, but would also like a LTR – Long term relationship – I know the people in my books do.

On the subject of my books, you can probably find a bit of everything above in one or another of them. The first one is coming out December 8th. It’s just hit the coming soon section of the
TEB - Total-e-bound website – it's an M/m erotic romance featuring a 24/7 D/s LTR, and a little bit of M/m/m, as well as a few bits of B&D and a HEA ending. You can see the blurb here.

And that's it. Did I miss out any of the obvious ones? Leave your favourite off my little list? Don't be afriad to le me know :)

Kim Dare
Kink, love and a happy ending.

2 comments:

Lisabet Sarai said...

Hello, Kim! This is a really informative, as well entertaining, post. Even though I have written a lot of BDSM (and participated in some), there were quite a few acronyms here that I didn't know. In fact, just the other day, I ran into "RACK" in some context or other and was scratching my head. So thanks!

Very clever the way you tied in (ha ha!) your new release, too!

Kim Dare said...

Thanks Lisabet. Glad there were a few new ones in there for you :)

I'm really excited about the new release. I'm looking forward to reading Tomorrow's Gift too - the blurb looks great.