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Identity Crisis

I feel like a juggler who's dropping all the balls.

This week, I'm having trouble keeping everything together. It seems all I can do is to manage the day job. It was when I arrived at the day job this morning and looked at my calendar that I went "Holy crap, it's the 4th. My TEB blog is due tomorrow."

I know, those aren't the most eloquent words I ever used, and I didn't say them out loud since I work for a ministry. Well, not until now. :)

Sometimes I feel like two people. Maybe I am. I'm "Ashley" here, and I'm another name in the rest of my life.

In the rest of my life, people apologize for saying bad words around me, or talking about anything that's the least bit raunchy. So many times I smile inwardly and think "If they only knew."

If you've read any of my books, you know I'm not that sweet and innocent. You'll also know that some of my characters swear.

Usually, I find it funny that people think they have to tip toe around me. I know darned well those same people would blush at what I write.

The more I am "Ashley" the more I become "Ashley". The more I feel like two completely different people. Or maybe I feel more like "Ashley". I certainly sign the name "Ashley" more than I sign the name my parents named me.

I haven't asked, but I suspect I'm not the only author whose ever felt this way. I wrote a story for a different publisher a long time ago where the heroine was a singer who performed in disguise. She wore a mask on stage and used a stage name. Not even her family knew her alter ego's identity. (My family knows mine.) In fact, her situation became so bad that everybody thought she was having an affair with herself. Is that going to happen to me one day?

God I hope not.

Then again, there's a lot worse things that could happen.

This past month was a great month for me story-wise. I had not just one but TWO releases at TEB: Secret Admirer (an M/M) and Welcome To Paradise (MMF) in the Night of the Senses anthology.

Jordan, the heroine in Welcome To Paradise has some identity issues to deal with, too. Her method of dealing with them are a lot different than mine - and a lot more fun. Here's an excerpt.

Welcome to Paradise by Ashley Ladd

Determined to live life by her own rules, Jordin's more than ready to devour two yummy men, what her religious father thinks, be damned.

Eager to escape the bitter cold of the frigid Northwest and especially her strict, overzealous religious father, Jordin seeks a new life in sunny Florida at a resort called Paradise. When she meets the proprietors, Evan and Chris, she's ready to try new, titillating things with the yummy pair, even blindfolded BDSM and especially ménage a trois. She reasons that if the men in her father's religion can have more than one wife, she certainly can have more than one husband.

Excerpt from: 'Welcome to Paradise' by Ashley Ladd

Jordin Marshall spread her toes in the warm Florida sand and let the heady warmth seep into her. This was a long-time dream, and she wondered again if it was a fantasy. Having lived in the snows of Alaska and Utah all her twenty-four years, she’d finally found paradise.

Stretching her bikini-clad body, she reached towards the sun’s warmth and light. Joyous laughter bubbled from her lips, and she hoped a merman would emerge from the depths of the blue gulf waves and claim her for his own. Well, not really. She just wanted a man. A man who wasn’t of her father’s choosing or the type he would choose: a return Mormon missionary, probably an exulted Brigham Young University or Rick’s College grad. No, she’d escaped her daddy’s clutches to find a man of her choosing. No return missionaries or religious nuts need apply. And no one was to know she was rich, either. She longed to find love on her own terms. To be loved for herself. That shouldn’t be too hard since she was staying at Paradise Inc., a cosy little hotel on the gorgeous Gulf Shore of west Florida. If she couldn’t find love in paradise, where could she?

Certainly not at Utah State even though she knew darned well her dad had sent her there to be as close to BYU as possible. If he’d had his way, she’d have attended BYU to get her MRS, but since she wasn’t a temple-card carrying member of the Latter-day Saints, she’d been rejected. Had her dad ever been mortified. And had she ever been relieved. Like her mother, she had serious doubts about the church her father prized.

A handsome, well-muscled blond caught her eye, and remembering the flirting advice she’d recently read on the internet, she returned his smile. It was so wide, she could almost feel the cleft in her chin deepening. Pretending to look for the small black shark’s teeth that were so abundant in the Gulf sands, she inched her way nearer to the hottie. But then a buxom, blonde female joined him and whisked him away, kicking sand in her wake and burying Jordin’s dreams under clumps of wet sand.

Jordin bit back a sigh and bagged her sharks’ teeth. Oh well, she consoled herself, there was sure to be an abundance of available men in Paradise. If not, looking on the bright side, at least she could make shark’s teeth necklaces for all her friends back home.

She spent her afternoon playing in the surf and sand and sunbathing, trying to take a bit of pallor off her lily-white flesh. Since she didn’t want to look like a cooked lobster, she reapplied her Bull Frog sunscreen every half hour and wore a visor and dark shades to protect her eyes that were more accustomed to light filtered through clouds than heavy doses of direct sun. Although she spied a lot of interesting men, she hadn’t gotten up the nerve to approach any. What was she supposed to say? Carry me away? Make love to me? Save me from daddy dearest?

Oh, yeah. That would really attract men.

Both books are currently available at


1 comment:

Lisabet Sarai said...

You're very brave to write about a woman running from her overly restrictive religious upbringing. Of course, there might well be women who fit that description reading our romances, looking for the thrills that they are missing in life.

Good luck with the new releases!