This site contains adult content. By visiting and viewing the content of this site you confirm that you are aged 18 or above.


A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to RT

Last year was my first RT experience, so this year I thought I knew exactly what to expect. Boy, was I wrong.

My problems started on Wednesday, the day before I was due to leave for Orlando. It was my daughter’s 9th birthday, so I made a last minute trip to Kohl’s in hopes of finding something the child would like to have for a present. As I was searching the clothing section, I felt a pain in my upper stomach. Within seconds, I broke out into a cold sweat and thought I might either vomit or faint. Since throwing up inside the Kohl’s bathroom isn’t my idea of a good time, I opted to retreat to my car. However, being the responsible mommy that I am, I insisted on buying the presents for my daughter first.

I somehow managed to walk to the check-out counter and tossed the clothing in front of the cashier. She, of course, proceeded to try her best to get me to sign up for a credit card. I told her ‘no thank you’ and gripped the counter for dear life. She then started in on their mailing list. I finally looked up and informed her I was doing my best not to faint in their store and could she please be a dear and ring up my damn items.

Once out of the store, I sat in my car with the air conditioning on full blast, feeling much like a woman going through menopause. With the cold sweat taken care of, I drove home. I crawled into bed and prayed the pain in my stomach would go away.

An hour later, I gave up and called my mommy for support. I asked if she would please come and take me to the emergency room. Super Mom was at my doorstep in a matter of minutes.

Upon arrival at the ER, I was immediately hooked up to an EKG machine. Evidently they look at a fat, middle-aged woman with stomach pains and automatically think heart attack. Whatever.

My heart was fine although my blood pressure had dropped to 82/62. They immediately got me to a room where I waited. Of course. After blood tests and sonograms, they decided I needed to have emergency gallbladder surgery. At 6:30 pm, they wheeled me into the operating room and removed the offending organ.

At 7:30, I woke in the recovery room and tried my best to convince them to release me. They insisted I go to a hospital room because evidently that’s what most people do. I wished I’d been a tad more vocal at this point.

Anyway, they got me to the room and the nurse came in to introduce herself. I asked her what kind of hoops I needed to jump through to be released that night. She seemed to think I’d had a bit too much morphine. She told me I had to drink and eat and manage to hold them down, as well as be able to walk around and go pee.

Okay, given my tasks for the nights I was already in Carol-mode. I asked her to bring me food and water. While she was gone, I went into the bathroom and did my thing. Once I finished the water, Jello and broth, I asked if I could leave. The nurse said I had to pee. I informed her that I already had. She said it didn’t count because she didn’t see me pee. I explained to her that I was a 43 year-old woman and I’m pretty sure I know what pee looks like, and I had indeed done it. She basically said, too bad, so sad, pee again, bitch, only this time do it in a little plastic hat thing. Geez!

I drank another glass of water and ate a bowl of cereal. I told Super Mom that I was going back into the bathroom, and I may need her to come in and squeeze me like a lemon. Well, surprise, surprise, I did it on my own. I was quite proud of the pee pee I made. LOL

After waiting for the nurse for another 30 minutes, I sent Super Mom after her. The nurse appeared extremely annoyed, but what the hell, right? She verified that I did indeed remember how to pee and said I could go home.

Whew, finally! I arrived home at 10:30 pm. I was a little wired, so I caught up on email and started some laundry. I woke early the next morning, got the girls off to school, did three more loads of laundry and packed my suitcase.

No way was I going to let a diseased organ three times its natural size keep me from budding around with my friends and publishers. I played the sympathy card at the airport, and they upgraded me to business class. Yea!

I made it to RT ready for a little less excitement.


Dakota Rebel said...

And GORGEOUS. She forgot to mention that she looked absolutely fabulous the whole time she was in Florida.

Like we didn't already know she was Wonder Woman. Sheesh.

Love you doll. It was great hanging out with you and I am so glad everything worked out alright.


Carol Lynne said...

Geez, Dakota. I'm gonna start carrying you around in my hip pocket with compliments like that. I loved every minute of RT and you were a huge part of that. Thanks, buddy!

Lyn Cash said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maggie Nash said... about a novel way to get upgraded! I'm glad it worked out for you Carol. I wish I could have been there...maybe next year *wistful sigh*

Bronwyn Green said...

Carol, you're my freaking hero. Seriously woman, you amaze the hell out of me. I wish I could've been there - I miss you dollface!

Anonymous said...

Dag gum Ms Carol. You make life so interesting. Maybe after graduation I can go to RT. See you in July.
Candy Stone

Jude Mason said...

Does insanity run in your family, dear? Carol, you really are amazing. I'm so glad it all turned out well for you.


Kaz Augustin said...

So you went to RT to rest and recuperate? LOL I know everybody had a wonderful time. Well deserved too. Not that any of what you wrote surprises me, Carol! I know how focused you are.

Carol Lynne said...

Hey, Kaz, it was either that or run around after my two daughters all weekend. Yep, RT was a lot more relaxing. LOL

And yes, Jude, insanity does run in my family. My mother's a real nut case. LOL